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No Matter What, I'll Be OK
A Personal Perspective 4
 

I was just over in London and Edinburgh, Scotland...It was the first taste of Spring there and the weather was fabulous by their standards...hazy sunshine with periods of showers...temps in the 70's. Though it was a whirlwind tour I gathered several perspectives that I want to share.

I felt safe there for the most part. There was a visible lack of seedy energy on the streets. Though there were many people and not a lot of eye contact, I never felt like I was being bad vibed. Contrast that to my return to LA. The minute I was there I was accosted by beggars and  bad vibes. There was a sense of uncertainty and I found myself watchful and checking my money and passport frequently. I was saddened by the reality that this country lives in fear that permeates the masses constantly. It is not so much the newly acclaimed fear of terrorists, but, rather, just that fear that lives where there are murders by the minute and repressed emotions and pressures to be someone and people held down by the realities of the system and the violence we are fed and the hopelessness we are programmed to accept. I found it interesting that in a place founded upon freedom we are one of most repressed cultures in the world...not necessarily in visible, obvious ways. Rather, we are victims of what we buy into and believe and allow to run our moments. The newly gained governmental controls over our privacy are just another way we give up a lot to get a little sense of well being. Not once oversees did I take out my lap top or take off my shoes at airline security gates...yet  I felt they were doing a good job of screening. When I was had searched they most certainly felt me to see if anything was there. But there was a sense of OKness in that as there was respect in a way.

I remember feeling safe in America when I was growing up. Even through the eyes of a child I felt something bigger was underlying the whole picture here. One way I can return to that space and trust is to live that trust and put out a vibe of love and respect. And that is not easy...just let someone tailgate or cut you off and the anger flares up. But a well focused breath and a sigh will diminish the vibe in a hurry. I so want to feel that Gabriela, my daughter, is safe as she walks through her life. I teach her how to protect her own vibratory space and carry a sense of personal power and confidence to discourage those who prey on fear. I teach her to call in angels and say mantras of personal space protection. I teach her to monitor what she feeds herself vibrationally through words and music and visuals. It makes a difference for me in my moments and I must say that I don't fear like I have in the past. I have the sense that my moments are in my own hands. That is a lot...

Sonia and I were told that both the English and the Scottish were quiet and somewhat repressed and that they would be unlikely to be willing to participate in the level of interaction and activity that we usually request of an audience. But we trusted our own vibes and beliefs in the inherent spirit of people to be joyful and playful and take risks to feel alive. And, just as we knew, they got out of their seats and sang and moved and bumped and hooted and sighed and screamed until they had changed their vibration for good. So I am reminded again to have no preconceptions and refrain from treating others with an assumption not based upon personal experience. Each moment has its golden aura and opportunity to live fully. I do everyone and everything a disservice when I preprogram and then act as if I know. How foolish and how restrictive.

So release the hold on your moments and trust in the inherent safety afforded us as conscious beings...be completely willing to be outrageous in calling in support and look at everyone and everything with fresh eyes. All is in motion and changing...let each of us be the same way and flow with the gifts of life...

Blessings

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Coming Clean So That I Might Live the Life I Truly Desire...
A Personal Perspective 5

It is the fourth day of the new year, this 2005. As is the custom, I pause and reflect and take stock of where I am, where I have been, and where I want to be. As is the custom, I make lists and have strong intentions and resolve to really do what I say this year. But this year will be different for me. In the past i swayed and waffled and lost interest in time and settled with minor irritation in just about the place where I had been before the resolutions. This year I will not do this. I am already living the changes on my list. I am falling wildly from some precipice where the way it was is getting smaller by each scream and flail and surrender.

In the midst of this transformation I want to publicly share some information about me and my choices and my way of being up till now. By making this public I am committing even more so to not go back and do/be the same...which I know for a long time now has not been the real me I have wanted to be.

To get the vision of who I want to be just listen to my songs. That is where my hopes and wishes lie. But, though I have given lip service to so many wonderful ideas and positive ways to live with compassion and power I have fallen far short of walking my talk. So, rather than chastise myself here, I simply want to own my mistakes and set the foundation for another way....more in alignment with that which has been singing in me for as long as I can remember.

Somewhere along the journey I bought into a notion that I was owed something (probably from so many idle promises unfulfilled in growing up). As a result I have tripped over integrity in my effort to get people to take care of me. I took advantage of so much kindness and gave little back in kind. I took money and favors and really dropped the ball in paying back. For that I have some shame that I own and release. For anyone who was at the receiving end of my forms of thanklessness and selfishness, I deeply apologize. This will never happen again.

I know a lot about philosophy and new age thought and can talk a mighty fine talk about the way to live in alignment in this world. There is nothing wrong with this per se...but when I use it to take a one up position or to mask my insecurities or to tell people how to live without their asking for it, I am abusing it. I am learning to shut my mouth and ask permission to share my perspectives. It is a difficult transition as this is so natural and seemingly safe for me. To those who have been on the receiving end of my "holier than thou" or "spiritual arrogance" or being told how best to live or what is really "wrong" with you or how to fix your life, I deeply apologize. This will never happen again.

The idea of living in the moment is beautiful and much of my joy and peace has come from applying this idea to my path. I believe in it but I have certainly abused this one in a self serving way. I have made plans to be somewhere or do something with someone down the road and had every intention at the time of doing what we agreed upon. But when the time came I no longer felt like doing it, so I would change the plan or cancel. As a result of this the friends I had felt that they could not count on me or my plans so they drifted away. I got to see the results of my insensitivity to others this Christmas when I sat looking at my tree alone. For those who have been on the receiving end of my spontaneous changing of plans to fit my mood, I deeply apologize. This will never happen again.

Likewise I have learned to effectively use the agreement method of getting away from a situation I want to leave. It was easy to make an agreement or a promise or feign interest just to look good as I left. Most often, I would forget what I had agreed to do in no time at all. I am learning to keep my mouth shut. What comes out of my mouth when it is open will only be what I will show up for. For all of those who have been disrespected by me and my empty promises, I deeply apologize. This will never happen again.

I had a crazy upbringing and saw things and heard things a little boy should never experience. I did not see one relationship that worked out. I saw deceit and infidelity and "I love you's" slung around like dirt. I was promised everything and then watched the promisors leave without even looking back. I was raised by women...the men always seemed to come and go. As an adult, I find myself in a business that attracts predominantly women. One might consider that a Paradise for a man...but....I have used it to put out leaky, sexual energy that was entirely inappropriate in my context as a facilitator. I did it to fill up holes in my soul, wounds that had a life of their own. I used it to feel important and wanted and desirable. I crossed lines and then ran like so many of my models did. If you have been on the receiving end of this disrespect and abuse, I deeply apologize. It will never happen again.

I am a musician, an artist...one of those who feels in ways that many do not. I put those feelings into a form that others can experience and have an emotional response in ways they may not normally have. I am very good at what I do. I do it mostly for me....to heal the hurts and give me hope through release and vision. I do it to make a living and buy me more time to create and channel the gifts. I have not been a business person at all. I ran from the responsibility of it and did a shitty job of running my business. I let my moods dictate my performance and follow through. I said I would do things and then would follow through in my own time. I let people slide and just trusted the Universe to clean it up. I was late on orders or made mistakes in the ones I sent. I had bad follow through with emails and correspondence. I created a bad track record that has driven people away from my gifts. For those who have been on the receiving end of my business incompetence, I deeply apologize. This will never happen again.

I am not kidding about any of this. I am 52 years old. I see my mother of 84 years trapped in a world of isolation, unwilling to talk about her life, filled with shame and regret over choices made, too proud to say that she is deeply pained and simply fading away. I can easily project myself into her scenario down the road if I do not make the changes I am making here. I see how i have also isolated myself. Some of it is legitimate and allows me to recharge...but some of it also is script driven behavior that serves no need but to perpetuate worn beliefs about my worth. The bottom line is that I want people in my life and do not want to be a social hermit. I have put out the intention to draw new energies into my path. This will come. In the meantime I have to learn how to nurture and feed relationships and not always wait for the phone to ring or the knock to come on the door. This is a tough one but I am determined to balance friendship relationships with my need for alone time and creation and recording time. It shall be done.

It feels a bit strange to simply post this for all eyes to see. But I see it as a banner that  clearly announces my intention and willingness to live the different life. I have sung about this for too long. I am now living it more and more with each breath and in each step. To watch so many souls swallowed up by the water in the recent disaster is sobering. I live on the coast of California. I have had dreams of the water sweeping through the canyon where I live. I do not want to wait for that without doing all that I can to be the me that I truly am.  I am no longer willing to wish and hope and wait for change or something better. I have been given the gift of awareness into my inner being. The more permission I give to it the more is revealed. From this I see the changes that must come and from this I gather the courage to make them.

In this year 2005 I make those changes. My business will be run in a professional and timely manner. My prosperity will reflect my integrity. My human relationships will be washed with respect and understanding and clear communication. The love in my life will reflect my commitment. I ask that you hold a vision for me. See me making the choices that make real and lasting the significant steps forward I have presented in this message. See my music reflecting a new, rich spirit that flows from the peace and confidence and power and competence that now is my way of being. I am humbled by life just as I am empowered by life. I am deeply appreciative of you and your support of my vision. Thank you. I will do the same for you. You can count on it...

Blessings beyond your imagination..

Click this link below to send an email response to this month's message:

LET ME SAY THIS ABOUT THAT

If you have been on the receiving end of any of these scenarios I painted and would like to let me know your feelings and perspectives, please click the following email link:

I WANT YOU TO KNOW

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Giving My Power Away....Now Stop That!

Personal Perspective 6

In the wake of the feedback from Personal Perspective 5 (now in archives), I find myself reflecting on the nature of this business in which I am involved....the New Age business. Some thoughts have surfaced that are representative of my experiences in many of the inner circles with authors and presenters on the current circuit. I am responding to so many people who responded to me about PP5.

Many of you gave me kudos for revealing what was really going on in the deep parts of me. You appreciated that I owned my mistakes and was willing to do something different with the choices in my moments. Many of you said how you were surprised that I had such issues as it always appeared that I had it together and was walking as an example of the New Age Guy. 

Let me say this about that: Human is human. Those in the know have no special inroad to God. They struggle and fall and rise and cry and spit and moan and control and fear and criticize just like the "average" human does. The actual pressures of the circuit are many and pronounced and survival issues are rampant in an industry that craves the next big thing or answer to life's mysteries and pains. The traveling leaves many weary and jaded and irritable and yearning for home or just some solid roots. Unfamiliar places and people and the uncertainty of numbers in attendance take their toll. But in the spirit of the work, so many want to and do appear to be in alignment when viewed from an audience perspective. It is an illusion...not good or bad. It just is...

One of the differences between me and you is only that I have spent my moments studying sound and using it in ways that I was inspired to do instead of going to work at the office. I am just one step ahead of you so I am qualified to "teach" you what I know if you want it. You probably know and can do much that I am unfamiliar with and I could just as easily be your student if you taught a course.

The point of all this is to remind us of how easy it is to think that someone that we see has all the pieces in place and that we are lesser than or could never attain that "level of mastery". In the spirit of "oneness" be reminded that we all are capable of anything. What we focus upon and learn and subsequently use is available and endless...to everyone. Make the choice, spend the time, apply yourself and eventually become the master you so envy. Bottom line is that no one deserves the pedestal. Look how often he or she who has risen above the masses is, in the next breath, knocked "down to size".  I think it is more of the universe reminding us of our commonality and equality than a vicious, frustrated mass of humans who are venting anger and rage over a collective inhumanity to one another.

The desire and yearning to be someone else is designed to divert us from our simple truth: that we are and always have been that which we seek. Rather that give your power away and grovel in the wishing and hoping simply choose to do exactly what you want to do in the moment....and let your higher self lead you to exactly what you need. Surely, we can learn from and be inspired and motivated by those who have devoted themselves to a task, a skill, a way of being; but, you and I both know, that self defeating thinking and comparing will only lead us back to our unresolved pain. So, in a sense, it doesn't really matter what we do, we will still get just what we need. If this is, indeed, a given, then why not truly enjoy the moment and feed yourself with the love that you are so that you can be the joy that you deserve.

I have, up till this moment, given my power away by not asking for what I want or need. My New Age perspectives and familial and cultural brainwashing leave me only wanting to do what is best for others or the world. I wrestle with the integrity of doing for me first. But I am, at present, seeing the cost to my inner being of putting myself far down the food chain. The anger and fear and wimpiness I so easily feel are destined to be released in the days to come. I can no longer look at this guy in the mirror without crying with compassion and wanting to pick him up and stand him in the truth of who he is.

Well, as I said in my last letter, I will no longer do this. I now choose to rebuild the beautiful being that I am from the heart outward. The light that I radiate will be a genuine reflection of the inner magnificence. I hold no one above me or below me. We all walk side by side no matter what things look like. I feel really good about this. My inner child is cautious but I hear him humming a strangely familiar tune. It is something about coming home....

I look out and see a growing number of people doing this...I think one of them is you. Please don't disappoint yourself and stay in what you have accepted. Go to where you belong...in the heart of that which you are. You really don't have a choice. Go ahead...stand in your power...your very own inexhaustible supply of I AM.

Blessings....

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All Things Return to Dust and This, Too, Shall Pass
Part One

Personal Perspective 7

She always said she would live to be 100. As the days went by and blurred into weeks and faded into months and then slid into years I watched my Mother go away....in bits at first, then in large chunks of semi-precious memory. I said it did not matter because she had been doing that for so long anyway, long before the care center...not really talking about anything, disappearing from my life, not interacting with any real degree of interest that shouted, "You are my Son and I love you!" I acted like it did not matter and went about my life as if I was parentless.

I wasn't even surprised when I showed up after a six month absence and she did not recognize me. I showed pictures of us together and showed her my driver's license and kind of laughed but definitely felt like I was slipping down some unnamed street where no one knows anyone. She said, "I have a son with that name", as she looked right through me. She came around with about 15 minutes of prodding...I laughed harder this time...less fear, perhaps. I even thought she was playing with me and was paying me back for being gone so long. I even thought she knew more than she was letting on.

I decided to visit more often despite knowing that we would have the same conversation over and over. She would look at me slouched in her chair, growing ever larger from the endless food she used to tuck away the life she turned her back on...and she would say, "You're getting gray in your beard." I would counter with a chuckle and a flick of her two curly chin whiskers that had a free form life of their own. Then I would ask her if she needed anything and she would say, "A cool million!" with a gleam in her eye. I laughed the first dozen times and then eventually I answered with her, in a harmonious lilt. She would always ask if I had seen my brother...even though he had just been there the day before...

I guess it was my knowing what I would be getting with each visit that, after initially visiting regularly, I began to let more time pass and then, before I knew it, three months had gone by. I must say that I wished, from the heart of the wounded little boy, that I would have shown up to watch the nuances of her fade...to learn how a life disappears in fragments...to taste the tears that she always warned me not to cry...to remind her of the sweet moments that percolated between the pain...to witness her as someone of value...to not let the lessons learned as a boy play themselves out as if I had never grown an inch from those days of fleeting innocence. But I did not.

Two weeks ago a phone call came...it rang in a different way than ever before. I know that's silly, but this ring had a haunting hollowness to it that said, "It's time..." Almost a month before while I was in Chicago with Sonia for two weeks of workshops I had received a call about her not being able to breathe and the need to hospitalize her...I was alarmed but was not involved really. She was in good hands and I guess I would have gone back if it really seemed like the end...but it wasn't. In retrospect, it was just a dress rehearsal...perfect because mom was an actress...not a great one but she played bit parts and character roles in the local Pioneer Players Troupes. She lived her life, as well, as if it was a play...always just a bit shy of really connecting and letting down the facade to be felt from the heart....ah, the life chosen

The call said that she needed to go to the hospital again because her heart was accelerating and she was having difficulty breathing...fine, I will be over in a while...no rush...just precautionary. I felt funny...like I was caught up in something I had been running away from. This time I went...to the emergency room...and there she was in a bed with a gown on and an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth breathing just short of the pace of a panting dog.

It was awkward and I reached out to take her hand. I smiled and she responded. I made small talk and reminded her of how this would all pass. All the while, with disheveled blondish-blackish-grayish hair around her face, she kept reaching with her iv hand up to try and remove the obviously uncomfortable mask. The nurse and anyone around kept stopping her and rightly so as she was low on oxygen and needed this precious pure substance to reach that 100 years.

But she was feisty and fought back, pausing and then sneaking back when she thought no one was looking. All the while the medications dripped into her and took away the last moments and opportunities I would ever have to interact with her as my mother. I must say that more than once I wanted to grab her and lift her and run away with her to take her to the mountain and show her the sun one more time and let the wind blow across her skin and hear her sing old Broadway tunes with abandon...but I, too, was mesmerized by the numbers on the machines and often watched those instead of looking into the eyes of this woman who bore me. 

She was disappearing into the fog faster than a boat in San Francisco Bay and I kept saying anything to get a response or some reassurance or a sign...but she was visiting other lands already and I am not so sure she was willing to push to stay any longer.

They decided to keep her there to see if their aggressive tactics would show results by the morrow. We took her to a room where she would make her decision. It happened to be in a room where next door there were two prisoners from the San Luis Obispo Men's Colony with various wounds to heal, surrounded by at least 5 guards watching the San Francisco 49ers lose another football game.

It is funny because mom grew up in San Francisco and worked for a length of time at a hospital for the criminally insane where she actually created a very loving, yet temporary, relationship with a doctor there. The great I AM was already starting to walk her back through her  moments of living. I hope she was listening and watching...

The next day brought no change but, rather, a phone call from the doctors requesting a decision about more aggressive measures to find out what was going on in mom's growingly fragile and fatigued body. Already in ICU, they needed me to decide, basically, if she was to live or die today. I told them, in a robotic voice, that  I would be there soon. Give me some time to decide the path. I decided to go to the storeroom and gather some photographs to take to her room and walk her back through her life. I wanted her to remember and know that it was beautiful, no matter what her wounds said.

It was just not fair that I was given this kind of decision to make. I wanted her to die peacefully when I was away....where I would not have to be the witness to her final disappearance. But I was to be present fully and would essentially be the one to pull the plug.

On the way to the storeroom the phone rang again...a ring with even greater urgency this time...telling me before I even picked it up that "you do not want to hear what I have to say".

 "She is going fast", the doctor delivered in that oh-so-doctor voice. He wanted to know what to do...let her go or go in to keep her going. In that endless second I had I thought of her lost loves and the broken promises delivered to her and the illegitimate children given away for adoption and the time she spent alone and the fashion artist who had turned her back on her gifts so long ago and the life now spent between feedings, watching some inane TV or drifting in and out of a drug soothed consciousness...and I said very calmly, "Let her go"..."but please keep her until I get there...I am 3 minutes away." I called my brother and said, "you have so little time...get over here now!"

When I walked in I saw her fighting to breathe and I took her hand  and told her, "It is Ok to go, mom. Just let go. I forgive you for anything you ever did. I will be just fine. There is nothing to worry about. Just let go and you will be with Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Virginia. You have had a great life and there is nothing to keep you here...you will be free. I love you and I bless you and have been so proud to be your son..." the numbers were dancing around like a link cod pulled from San Francisco Bay. My brother came in and I said, "she is going fast...say what you have to say, please!"...and I left the room to give him some privacy...he is not the one to share his feelings publicly.

Every time her heart rate hit zero the buzzer went off. It did it twice and I went back in. With Greig on one side and I on the other my Mother went quietly away. It was as if she held on to have us both at her side. When we were there, she quit the struggle. Her eyes slowly rolled back as if she was looking into some magnificent scene and she said,  "Ahhhhh"... and the last breath just slid out into the ethers.

There was no deathbed confession, no apologies for anything, no long, loving look in the eyes of neither Greig nor I. There was no thank you or a "See you in Heaven" or "What fine sons you have been" or "Oops" or "Let's do this again sometime" or "You know, Mark, I always liked you best!"...none of that...just a release and a long breathy "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh".

It was just one huge relief for her to let this life go. And so, "Fare Thee Well", to Alexia Bettie Jayne Chames. May you rest and rekindle the unending connection with your true Self.

She was 86 years old.

I went to the other side of the bed and hugged my brother. We cried in each others arms...we had never done that before. Love finds a way...

To be continued as Part Two in Personal Perspective 8 next month...

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